On This Day Last Year

July 1, 2013. I don't even know where to start.

A very scary journey began on this day last year. It began as any other Monday would have. I went to my moms house to take her to her chemo appointment. But when I got there I found a neighbor was at the house because my mom had fallen out of bed. Little did I know how my world would crumble in the following days and months.

My mom with my Grandma who passed away in 2008. I've been missing these two women a lot.

Grief is a funny thing. You really don't know how or when it will hit you. I have been doing pretty well these past few weeks, but then I looked at the calendar and saw that it's July 1. It caught me by surprise. As it always does. All I have been able to think about are those few months that I got to have with her on hospice care. Those three and a half months that were only the beginning of a emotional roller-coaster. I am very grateful that I had that time with her, but there is always so much that is left unsaid or subjects that were just too painful for her to talk about.  

At my High School graduation ceremony in 2003.

I wish I would have gave her more hugs, and told her I loved her more, but I don't think it would have been possible for me to give her more hugs or told her I loved her more than what I did. I miss her laugh. I miss the sound of her voice. I found the last voice mail that she left me, and every time I listen to it it brings me to tears. Hell, just thinking about that voice mail brings me to tears and it was only her reminding me about a dinner at her church she wanted Matthew and I to go to. I miss being able to call her up and tell her about my day or ask if she wants to go get a pedicure.

My bridal shower in 2012

In these next few months I know I'm going to have some really hard days. July 4 will be one of those days since that was the last holiday I got to celebrate with my mom. My birthday will be another difficult day since it will be the first one without my mom, the woman who birthed me into this world. I can't even talk about the month of October. So please keep me and my family in your prayers these next few months as we relive her last ones.