I'm a Selfish Mom

      I feel like for some time I have been struggling with my new identity as a mom. As an introvert I need quiet time by myself to recharge. I used to get a lot of that, but with a tiny adorable human that follows me everywhere, alone time is scarce. For a while, Matthew and I had a good schedule that allowed me a few hours on the weekend to do something for just me. I usually went to a sewing group and made quilts to be donated to babies, but something happened, the group took a break, vacations and visitors took over. I no longer knew what to do with my few free hours of me time. Do I go to Target and shop, spending money on things we don't need just to kill time? So I stopped using them. I felt selfish for wanting alone time anyways, I mean, the weekends is the time we get to be together as a family and go do fun stuff or just hang out.

      But as weeks, and months went by, I was becoming more and more unhappy. I was crippled by guilt. Shouldn't I be happy? I have a healthy baby who is easygoing majority of the time, not much of a crier, loves independant play time, loves going out and people watching. I felt that wanting alone time meant that I didn't love her. As a new mom, you constantly hear that your should always put your kids first, so by wanting me time I was no longer putting my child first but me. What did that say about me? That I'm not a good mom? That I'm not cut out to be a parent? It was as if since I became a mom I was no longer allowed to be an individual person with dreams and desires because my kid had to come first. Writing that out I know it may not make sense, but that is how I felt.
      By not taking those few hours a week though, I was depriving Matthew of getting quality time with his daughter. Now, is that fair to him? Not at all. He deserves an opportunity to get some of the fun as well as the struggle of taking care of a child that I get everyday during the week. So I've locked myself in the office with a few books, my kindle, and a large glass of water. And while I hear him dealing with a cranky baby because of changing nap schedules and teething, I'm restraining myself from going out there to swoop her up and cuddle her because not only do I need this time alone, he needs that time with her too.
      For anyone else that may feel the same as me, I want to tell you it is okay. You are an individual and are allowed to have dreams that you want to pursue. Hand that baby off to some else and take some time for yourself!