Remembering

     It's hard to think that the picture above was taking just a year ago. Thanksgiving of last year to be exact. How so much can change over just a year. Last year Matthew and I got to celebrate our first Thanksgiving as Mr. & Mrs. with our parents and this year is the first without my mom.

     One of the books that I’m reading says I should brainstorm some memories or characteristics about my mom. I've been putting it off because, well, because remembering hurts. I know it’s important to remember those good times, but it’s a double edged sword. It reminds me of what I have lost and makes me angry because 28 years is not enough time with one of the most influential people in my life. I’m grateful for every moment I had with my mom, but I’m human and selfish, so I want more time.

     I feel like there is so much more that she could have taught me, but it doesn't do me any good to focus on that. So instead I will remember what she did teach me. She taught me the basics of how to prevail in life, how to walk, talk, tie my shoes, the color wheel, how to read (and my love for the written word) and to write. She gave me my love for mathematics and numbers. She lived her life in a way that showed me what faith looks like, how serving others is serving God and how you can reach many people that wouldn't normally be open for hearing about God with food. She let me experiment in the kitchen and even ate my awful productions but told me how to improve them so that I can prepare edible meals for my family now. My love of the outdoors and adventure comes from her and the time she sacrificed to be my Girl Scout troop leader, insuring that we had awesome excursions. She opened my eyes to the beauty in the world even if it meant waking me up in the middle of the night to see a meteor shower or taking me out of school early so she could show me the huge waves that were being produced by El Nino. She taught me that parents aren't always going to be your friend growing up, they are there to make sure you have the skills to do well in life and to keep you from making stupid decisions. And that no matter how old you are, you still have growing up to do. She showed me retail therapy and that sometimes you just need to go to Target and buy a basket full of items that you don’t really need. She demonstrated how to be a good host and throw a great party.

     I think the hardest lesson she taught me was how to be strong and have faith, even while looking death in the face. And that being strong does not always mean that you have no fear, but having courage to face those fears. It's this lesson that will get me through the holiday season and as I learn how to live my life without her.