On This Day Last Year

July 1, 2013. I don't even know where to start.

A very scary journey began on this day last year. It began as any other Monday would have. I went to my moms house to take her to her chemo appointment. But when I got there I found a neighbor was at the house because my mom had fallen out of bed. Little did I know how my world would crumble in the following days and months.

My mom with my Grandma who passed away in 2008. I've been missing these two women a lot.

Grief is a funny thing. You really don't know how or when it will hit you. I have been doing pretty well these past few weeks, but then I looked at the calendar and saw that it's July 1. It caught me by surprise. As it always does. All I have been able to think about are those few months that I got to have with her on hospice care. Those three and a half months that were only the beginning of a emotional roller-coaster. I am very grateful that I had that time with her, but there is always so much that is left unsaid or subjects that were just too painful for her to talk about.  

At my High School graduation ceremony in 2003.

I wish I would have gave her more hugs, and told her I loved her more, but I don't think it would have been possible for me to give her more hugs or told her I loved her more than what I did. I miss her laugh. I miss the sound of her voice. I found the last voice mail that she left me, and every time I listen to it it brings me to tears. Hell, just thinking about that voice mail brings me to tears and it was only her reminding me about a dinner at her church she wanted Matthew and I to go to. I miss being able to call her up and tell her about my day or ask if she wants to go get a pedicure.

My bridal shower in 2012

In these next few months I know I'm going to have some really hard days. July 4 will be one of those days since that was the last holiday I got to celebrate with my mom. My birthday will be another difficult day since it will be the first one without my mom, the woman who birthed me into this world. I can't even talk about the month of October. So please keep me and my family in your prayers these next few months as we relive her last ones.

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Christmas 2013

This past Christmas was the first one without my mom. I knew it was going to be a really difficult day to get through (and it was). While I was thinking about what to get Matthew for Christmas I was reading a book about mourning through the holidays and one of the suggestions was to spoil someone else and make them happy. A few days later I saw an article for the actual cost of the traditional 12 days of Christmas, and then a light bulb went on, what if I were to make a 12 days of Christmas themed gift for Matthew?

The more that I worked on these gifts for Matthew, the more happy I felt. I was actually becoming excited about Christmas! Granted, the pain and sorrow was still there (it probably will always be there) but instead of dreading each day that brought Christmas closer, I had something to look forward to everyday with finding ways to give Matthew his gift for the day. I started giving him the gifts so that he would get day 12 on Christmas day.

Matthew loved all his gifts and was really happy that I wasn't moping around being a Scrooge. Let's be honest, the saying 'happy wife, happy life' exists for a reason.

Day 1: A new iPod touch (his old one accidentally got put in the washing machine, oops)

Day 2: Two tickets to see The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug (part 2 of the Hobbit trilogy)

Day 3: Three screen protectors for the new iPod

Day 4: Four hours of frustration while installing a new hard drive for his computer

Day 5: Five assorted meats and cheeses

Day 6: Six undershirts

Day 7: Seven pairs of new underwear

Day 8: Eight reasons I love him and think he is the best husband

Day 9: Nine chocolate truffles

Day 10: Ten pairs of socks

Day 11: Eleven packs of gum

Day 12: Twelve months of pre-planned and prepaid dates for 2014

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Remembering

     It's hard to think that the picture above was taking just a year ago. Thanksgiving of last year to be exact. How so much can change over just a year. Last year Matthew and I got to celebrate our first Thanksgiving as Mr. & Mrs. with our parents and this year is the first without my mom.

     One of the books that I’m reading says I should brainstorm some memories or characteristics about my mom. I've been putting it off because, well, because remembering hurts. I know it’s important to remember those good times, but it’s a double edged sword. It reminds me of what I have lost and makes me angry because 28 years is not enough time with one of the most influential people in my life. I’m grateful for every moment I had with my mom, but I’m human and selfish, so I want more time.

     I feel like there is so much more that she could have taught me, but it doesn't do me any good to focus on that. So instead I will remember what she did teach me. She taught me the basics of how to prevail in life, how to walk, talk, tie my shoes, the color wheel, how to read (and my love for the written word) and to write. She gave me my love for mathematics and numbers. She lived her life in a way that showed me what faith looks like, how serving others is serving God and how you can reach many people that wouldn't normally be open for hearing about God with food. She let me experiment in the kitchen and even ate my awful productions but told me how to improve them so that I can prepare edible meals for my family now. My love of the outdoors and adventure comes from her and the time she sacrificed to be my Girl Scout troop leader, insuring that we had awesome excursions. She opened my eyes to the beauty in the world even if it meant waking me up in the middle of the night to see a meteor shower or taking me out of school early so she could show me the huge waves that were being produced by El Nino. She taught me that parents aren't always going to be your friend growing up, they are there to make sure you have the skills to do well in life and to keep you from making stupid decisions. And that no matter how old you are, you still have growing up to do. She showed me retail therapy and that sometimes you just need to go to Target and buy a basket full of items that you don’t really need. She demonstrated how to be a good host and throw a great party.

     I think the hardest lesson she taught me was how to be strong and have faith, even while looking death in the face. And that being strong does not always mean that you have no fear, but having courage to face those fears. It's this lesson that will get me through the holiday season and as I learn how to live my life without her.

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Brace yourselves

     So I'm writing a blog update about this rather than just doing a Facebook post since this will probably be too long for a status update.
     On Monday morning my mom stumbled out of bed. By the time I got over to her house at ten a.m. to pick her up for her chemo appointment, my mom had called her neighbor, and sent a text to my brother's girlfriend that scared the crap out of her. My mom's neighbor was trying to help her get off of the floor, but she was too weak to get up (she had been ill the few previous days because of chemo).
     After I had been there 3-5 minutes the cops showed up banging on the door. My brother's girlfriend (who lives in California and who didn't have any contact information for anyone here and was unable to get a hold of my mom since her phone was dead) called the cops. The police then contacted the paramedics so that they could come and help my mom. Once the paramedics showed up, they were able to get her off the floor, down the stairs and put her in the passenger seat of her car since she didn't want to ride in the ambulance.
     She wasn't hurt from tumbling out of bed, but because she was disoriented and had trouble answering questions like what day it was, how she got on the floor in the first place, she needed to go to the ER. At the ER they discovered she was severely anemic, dehydrated and showing signs of infection. She was put on an IV to receive fluids and antibiotics. My mom also received blood transfusions to help bring up her white blood cell count. The anemia put a lot of stress on her heart and her blood work showed an enzyme that is normally only found in the bloodstream after a heart attack. She did not have a heart attack, and her levels of this enzyme were on the low end of the scale. It just shows how much stress her heart was under because of the anemia. She was moved into the ICU later in the evening and she was ordered to have another MRI on her head (she just had one last week).
     Tuesday morning, her oncologist came in to talk to us about her MRI results. Now this is where the bad news comes into play. Her cancer is still in her brain. The radiologist came in to talk to her and he can do radiation on one spot of her brain, but not on the others. On Wednesday her oncologist again came in to talk to her realistically about her options. Even with the radiation, her life expectancy could only be a few months and it would be best if we were to put my mom in a hospice program. My mom has been moved out of ICU as of Wednesday night, which is good news.
     As you can imagine this has been very difficult for my family to deal with. But praise God that my family is close (both geographically and relational) and we have an amazing support system of friends. Obviously we are still praying for a miracle, but ultimately for God's will to be done.
     I know my family and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers through all of this. I also want to apologize for not being able to call and talk to many of you to inform you what has being going on, but it has been a hectic and stressful few days and honestly it's difficult to have to repeat what has been going on. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers and I will try and keep you updated as we get more information.

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AFK

So I just realized that I haven't made a blog posting since February  It's not as if I don't have stuff to post (garden stuff, recipe for chocolate covered cherries, and our new favorite meal, chow mein). I've just been busy with so much other stuff. And I should be studying for my test on Thursday but instead I'm looking up information on metastasized breast cancer, turning myself into more of a mess. For those of you who I haven't told yet my moms cancer has spread to her brain. It's scary as hell and honestly I'm not sure how I'm dealing with it. There is so much running through my head that I don't even know where to start. I am so grateful to have an amazing man for my husband that stands by me and holds me up when I don't have the strength to hold myself up anymore.
I have also spent a lot of time reasserting that God is good. God IS good. My God is mighty and powerful and this did not come as a shock to him, like it did the rest of us. He has a plan and I trust in Him regardless of what happens.

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